The Government Man


The Government Man

The British Government's department of socialized medicine recently has been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" - a government employee, who will attempt to solve the woman's problem by helping her to become pregnant.

The Smiths, a young married couple, have no children and the government man is due to arrive soon. Mr. Smith, on leaving for work, says, "I'm off, the government man should be here soon." Instead, however, a door-to-door photographer comes to the Smith's trying to sell baby pictures. The conversation went as follows:

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning. You don't know me but I've come to ..."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming by."

Salesman: "Oh? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins, all of my professional career."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband said. Please sit down."

Salesman: "Then your husband probably told you that . . . . . "

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, yes we both agree that this is the best thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, in that case, perhaps we should get right on with it."

Mrs. Smith: (blushing) "Well - - just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, - living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, Lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey."

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "No, indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry."

Mrs. Smith: "Well, have you had much success at this."

Salesman: (opening his briefcase and showing baby pictures.) "Just look at these babies. They're all jobs I've handled in the past. This one took four hours."

Mrs. Smith: "Yes, that is a lovely child."

Salesman: "But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my God!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, was she?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such difficult conditions, people were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four or five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could have shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up."

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, - - ah - - equipment. ..?

Salesman: "Yes, but it's all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Now, take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it!"

Salesman: "Well Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "Tripod? ? ? ? ?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much to heavy for me to hold in
my hand while I'm trying to use it."

"Mrs. Smith . . . Mrs. Smith . . . Mrs. Smith. My goodness, I do believe she's fainted! ! !"