Why did the men from the Heavens Gate Cult prefer Mounds candy bars over Almond Joy?
Because Almond joy's have nuts and Mounds don't.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court?
Both the American Government and Robin Hood took money from the people.
Robin Hood took money from the rich and gave it to the poor.
The government takes money from the people that it made poor, and gives it to the rich.
Q. What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
A. There both empty from the neck up.
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Q.How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A.None. They declare darkness as a new world standard.
One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous. "Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up. "Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she replied.
A couple of days later he went on a business trip. When he came back he asked how things had been. "Well," she said, "our neighbor down the street came over and fixes our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes." "What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered. "All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him. "What did you do?" he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"